Friday, October 28, 2011

Gahhhhh Issues. On Thursday? How sad.

I am having some big issues lately. As many people (all?) do, but tonight they're all colliding. It's my favorite day of the week (Thursday! Only slightly marred by the frequency of essays due Friday), and it upsets me that I'm so upset.
I am going to vent in a list, and iron out some thoughts. Maybe I'll fix some things next week, after the Halloween madness subsides. (I'd better)

1) I went to the costume store too late and they were out of Peter Pan hats. At least they're easy to make. and the felt, feather, and little sword were the only things I had to purchase for my costume! $15 total probably by the end. Cheapest Halloween? Perhaps so far.

2) I still don't have internet at my apartment.
(My roommate B's computer can mooch internet at the dining room table from some neighbor-or-other, but mine cannot, and it is too slow to use for homework anyway.)
This is both bad and awesome.

Why no internet at apt. is awesome:
  • internet is intimidating and frightening. 
  • I have a terrible sense of time when involved with internet. (Where did the last four hours go?)
  • People that are visiting your house always have funny videos to show you, or you have funny videos to show them, and your whole evening becomes absorbed by internet.
  • The dishes get done, clothes put away, and carpet is "vacuumed" (carpet-sweeper, no vacuum) much more often. It's like entertainment, since I only own about 5 movies and 3 seasons of Smallville that I've seen 5 times each. Because it's clean we can move the coffee table next to the old steamer-trunk and have wicked-awesome dance parties. No internet = more dancing.
  • internet is frightening and intimidating (enough to be listed as such twice).
  • I don't like either of my two choices of companies for internet service at my apartment. Neither local company can service my apartment for various reasons, so I can have Time Warner Cable or Frontier (Verizon)...
  • I have to pay for the intrusion on my time and mental stability.
Why no internet at apt. is bad:
  • Posting typecasts is much more complicated, so I have a small pile of things I *meant* to post and never did, also I am bad at keeping in touch with most people without internet (semi-related: I also have trouble with phones). 
  • I need internet to do my math homework, so I end up spending a lot of time at cafes, or my mom's office, doing a lot of math at once instead of spreading it out over the week, this takes time from my other homework, and I am home less.
  • I also can't check my email (if class is cancelled or for other important info) or email assignments to myself in lieu of having a printer. This forces me to lug my laptop to school when I don't' need it for anything other than emailing and printing an average four-page assignment.
So in the end it saves a little of the time it consumes...but I have a hard time biting the bullet and just calling either company. B has a landline through Frontier (getting rid of her cell soon), but when she moves (March-ish) I'm not going to be able to afford the landline, since I'm keeping my cell phone. I think I'd rather do business with TWC, and I'm fairly certain the same amount of $ will result in faster internet.

3) My computer is glitchy, and it has nothing to do with 3 1/2 years of age.
My backpack fell a week or so ago, and now my computer screen turns off on its own allllll the time. Randomly. Certain angles help it stay on longer, and I can't turn the brightness past 1. I can no longer use my computer when it's light outside, so I spend a lot of time at mom's office, and way too little time at home. There's internet here. (see above)
I need to go to the bookstore on campus and talk to the Mac-dudes (or whatever they're called), but I always forget before I leave campus. Which brings me to my next point:

4) My car is kaput. (Well, it's "Mom's" car technically.)
After 5 years of being my faithful sidekick and safe-place for all thoughts, long drives, and loud music, the ball-joints gave out, and she's not worth enough to spend the money fixing her.  It was my Dad's car until he couldn't drive anymore, and I miss driving it more than I am comfortable missing an inanimate object/material possession, but there it is. Miss it a sh*t-ton.

5) I can't seem to start essay-writing until 11:30pm the night before it's due. A personal, ongoing problem with procrastination that this storm of uncomfortable (though not necessarily depressing) feelings is not helping in the slightest.

6) Still having trouble responding to any sort of correspondence (mail, phone calls, emails, etc) within a reasonable time-frame. Sorry to all inconvenienced and/or hurt. Working on it...

7) Need a second job. Probably will end up being in retail, since they're hiring for the holidays. Might not get to go to Boise for Thanksgiving (family tradition since "forever") for the 2nd year in a row. Last year it was the weather.

8) This isn't exactly an issue but more of a concern:
Monday is the "real" Halloween (as opposed to the inevitable celebrations tomorrow and Saturday) drink or not to drink?
It is my first Halloween after 21, and there is a Halloween party/costume contest/blue Monday combo at the bar, which I have rarely gone to since early September (baaad decisions were made, hangovers were experienced, lessons were learned). I also work at NINE in the morning Tuesday. We'll see what happens.

Aaaand last and least:
9) I don't like writing about literary criticism. Writing about writing that was written about writing is...extremely "meta" and bothers me. Maybe that's the straw that wrote this blog post.

Lengthy, but refreshing. Talk to you soon. (If I survive Halloween, get my computer screen fixed, and call TWC to install internet)

Wednesday, October 5, 2011


    (In memory of Scott Hanford, 1951-2006)
Imagination is small comfort when you keep passing by,
my dreams troubled by your puzzling appearances.
You can't answer the questions I never ask,
but we don't linger long enough each night
to get past the awkward reunions,
and face the hard conversation
I need to have with you.
I want to let go.
I need a good night's sleep,
the only thing I really want to know,
is could you be proud of me? I made mistakes
that nearly split the family into sharp distant shards,
but I think you would be glad I made the hard choice,
and you might be impressed how far we've come since then.
I miss you,
but I want a good night's sleep.
Can we talk? Can we really talk,
and will I listen if you don't agree?
See you tonight, let's skip the tearful reunion,
awkward trip to the grocery store, and all the small talk.
Let's get things done in the dreamscape,
So I can leave it behind,
and stop hearing your voice
around the corner, and your laugh
in the next aisle at the store.
Maybe I will be able to visit my other
"adopted" family without hearing you in their father's voice.

I love you, and I need to let you go.